i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Randomize
