I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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