Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
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