I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Randomize
