Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
