SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
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