mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
