I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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