dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
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