i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
pray to the hookup gods
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Randomize
