In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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