I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
