totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize
