You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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