I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
