i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
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