i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
