this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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