i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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