omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
