thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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