I CAN MOONWALK!
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
