I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
