I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
