Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
