i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Randomize
