On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
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