Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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