we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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