I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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