Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
