turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
