the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize
