Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Randomize
