All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Randomize
