i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
