You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Randomize
