who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
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