So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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