I could make wine with my vomit
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
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