Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
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