Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
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