Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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