Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Randomize
