Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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