i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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