Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Randomize
