very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
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my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
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So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
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