We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
