got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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