You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
Randomize
