I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
