better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Randomize
