I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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