I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
i wish my penis had a tongue
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
