I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
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