Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Randomize
