even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
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