If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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