My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
