I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
