Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize
